Everything can be fabricated on a soundstage or, consequently, life is a soundstage and a lie.

...I got a pit named P, she niggarino/

I got a house out in the hills right next to Chino...

So goes Snoop Dogg's verse in his famous 2pac collab -- "2 Of Amerikaz Most Wanted." As Brian and I bumped to the duo's jam through N 101 towards Hollywood, I could not help but wonder if the recently deceased rapper was sending us a message from beyond the grave.

He was.

I had a dream.

Longstanding readers, you've missed a lot. I just traveled across America. By train. Meaning we need to bypass a lot of the sex and slaughter to get you up to speed. What's a train trip like, you ask? What adventures does one of modern history's most antiquated modes of transportation hold? Nothing too consistent I answer. Nothing too consistent.

Right, attractive. So get as much sleep as you can. Because on your first trip from D.C. to Chicago, you might encounter the longest cell phone conversation about Jesus's love YOU HAVE EVER FUCKING HEARD IN YOUR LIFE DIRECTLY BEHIND YOUR SEAT. Or you may be stopped in Toledo, Ohio at 4:30 in the morning when the train attendants barge into your car yelling as if no one is making it out of Toledo alive because all hell is breaking loose in Toledo, Ohio, TOLEDO, OHIO! Or, OR dear readers, on the off chance that you might one day travel through the Midwest under starry skies above, you should -- layer?

Yes layer, because your train might ice over or something. And temperatures will drop. And existence will stop. Little sister the sky is falling, but I don't mind, I don't mind. That's a Patti Smith song. What is this, Juno? (More on Juno later).

But really, the night before I woke up to ice covering my window, I was very cold. I woke up to Brian sleeping with his hoody up, tied snuggly around his head. Cute?

No. I was very cold that night. The windows didn't keep the cold out that night. Mother..mother..

But that was really the worst of it, as you can see:

Even the bathroom's are enjoyable. And the people are very interesting, whether they be aging artists traveling to Santa Fe, musical theatre majors discussing the virtues of hipsterdom, teens claiming they've been convicted of 18 misdemeanors, californianites cheating the Timeshare system, scheming businessmen who bid on vintage cars for doctors and lawyers, Germans discovering America with only a tiny sense of humor, or two, misbegotten sons holding the key to earth's future. Brian. Ben.

We needed showers desperately by the time we got to California. Which has been another story altogether. And maybe another post. Or Brian can take it on. Either way, YOU KNOW ABOUT OUR JOURNEY. Also, Brian will post pictures from the trip on facebook. Expect that soon.

I'm aware that this was supposed to come full circle and lead back into the 2pac dream, but it didn't. That's because the dream never occured. That's because life is a dream.

Also, I didn't come back to Juno. Which I hated.